I'm a Gambling Addict. AMA
That's me, a degenerate addict and I often hate myself because I have so little control. I'm female, middle aged and my game of choice is slots. Yes, I dream of hitting it big, but if I did, I'd probably be one of those people you read or hear about that would lose it all eventually.
It's the dopamine hit, the thrill of what may line up when I press that button. I just want more when I get a win, and almost all of my wins end up getting played back, often at the same session. I've learned to only take the money I'm going to play with and that I need to get there, (gas, food) because I know it's highly unlikely that I'm walking out with anything. I've drove away with less that 2 dollars in change in my pocket and been hungry, (not starving but hungry) for a meal on my way home. I've done without food or buying less food during the week, so I can take more cash to the casino, barely paying or paying late the essential bills and I'm now behind on my car payment because of my addiction. It's spiraled badly in the last two months as I started going to a nearby casino and after winning (and playing it back) a few thousand, I got sucked in. I kept getting good free play offers on average three times a week for a couple of months now so that made it easier to keep going back and I'd take some cash (that I should haven't been spending). (The free play has dried up now except one more lowish offer tomorrow). I'm telling myself I'm not going tomorrow but it's tempting me, and I lie to myself, saying just one more time and maybe I will win enough to get myself out of this hole but chances are, if I did get lucky, I'd just play it back and walk out with that feeling of pure hatred of myself and feeling hopeless.
I've been a gambling addict for 15 years, spiraling every few months. It's hell!
The post attracted around 400 comments , some of which were answered.
Addiction & Experience
Q: How did it start?
A: Maybe the root of it is my genetics, my father was an alcoholic. I liked games as a kid, board games, card games and sometimes the occasional game of poker. I don't recall the poker games being for real money however. A very difficult life started for me in my preteen years. Maybe it was the small hits of dopamine and the distraction from life that rooted it way back then. My first trip to a casino was in the late 90's and and shortly after I realized that this could be bad for me. I didn't go that often back then and sometimes I would go a few years in between visits, so it wasn't an issue for me then but I felt the danger. When I really sank the boat was when I started gambling online, some poker and then slots, that was about 15 years ago. I no longer gamble online, but now there is a casino about 1 1/2 hours away.
Q: Why do you allow yourself to have so little self control?
A: I ask myself that question quite often. I lie to myself, and tell myself if I'm up x amount of dollars, I will cash out and leave. I also lie to myself about several things from making the decision to go, to walking in. I wish I had a good answer for you. Perhaps if I did, I wouldn't be here.
Q: Have you ever lost everything?
A: I've played away almost every bit of money I had with me on most trips. Sometimes going home with less than a dollar in change. Luckily I don't have rent or a mortgage, but like everyone, I have the usual expenses and I'm behind on my car payment, because of my latest binge.
Q: Do you logically understand that you will always lose money, even if you win small amounts? What keeps the thrill going?
A: Yes, I do logically understand. It's the dopamine hit for me. Slots these days are designed to hook you and and they are very addictive by design. They have always been of course, but the last 10 years probably more so than ever.
Q: Do you have a preference on which slot to play or do you just choose randomly? What’s your biggest jackpot?
A: There are certain slots I gravitate to and play repeatedly, but I do switch it up. My biggest wins were $40,000 and $25,000 online, but I played most of it back. In-person, my highest win was almost $4,000—and that time, I managed to bring $3,000 home.
Q: Do you gamble online or in person? Any trends that you’ve gathered on slots on how frequently to play one machine to win or is it all just luck.
A: It's just dumb luck. Online was my downfall, and that was my turning point for falling in the deep hole. I no longer gamble online but now there is a casino about 1 1/2 hours away from me.
Q: Can you play the cheapest games?
A: Yes, I can bet low. Often times I have to because of a low bank roll. I don't know if you'd played slots but it's hard to find a game for less than 75 cents a spin. Sounds like nothing, right. Well if you haven't done it, spinning at 75 cents will have you blowing through a hundred in a few minutes. Want to play for a few hours on the cheap slots, well you are still going to need a bank roll of a few hundred or a hella lot of luck.
Life Impact
Q: Do you feel guilt for the impact on those around you? Would you let a marriage die for gambling?
A: I was divorced before my addiction spiraled. I don’t want to be in a relationship now—partly because of my addiction. If I were married, I hope I wouldn’t let it die for gambling, but I honestly don’t know. I’d advise anyone in that situation to take control of the finances and consider divorce if there’s no accountability.
Q: Are you rich enough to afford this hobby?
A: Not at all. If I weren’t an addict, I’d maybe go on a $500 gambling trip once a year, and that would be the limit.
Q: Is gambling your only entertainment? Would doing something else help?
A: I have a hobby, that has nothing do with gambling or gaming. The last few months I haven't had any desire to do it. The hobby has helped distract me at times and helped me cope with life difficulties but it ebbs and flows, (the need and love for doing it). I've been told I have a natural gift for my hobby. I'm self taught but I do seem to have an innate gift.
Makes me more pathetic uh.
Mental Health
Q: Where did the addiction come from in your life or childhood? What would you say to people in denial?
A: What would I say to someone in denial. The sooner you realize who and what you are, the sooner you can do something about it and hopefully you will do less damage to your life, finances and your emotional well being.
I'm not making excuses because I know it all comes down to me, but lots of trauma in my childhood, a father who was an alcoholic, abuse, sa and lots of dysfunction back then.
Then as an adult, half of my adult life as a caregiver for a very disabled child, who passed away a few years ago. Caregiving had stressors that are hard to describe and oh it was so hard that no one could possibly understand unless they have walked in those shoes. Her father, wasn't a help and we divorced when she was very young.
Depression off and on throughout my life, which of course is made worse by my gambling. Maybe some other mental health issues too.
I used to be so tough and strong but it all and I fell apart about 15 years ago and yes I blame most of it on myself. Many of my own bad choices, before the gambling and after, have me here today.
Recovery Attempts & Advice
Q: Have you tried to get help?
A: Yes, I’ve sought help a few times. But nothing has lasted long-term. I always seem to slip back.
Q: What about medication or therapy?
A: I’ve dealt with depression and possibly other issues for most of my life. I’ve tried therapy and help, but it's difficult to maintain. I’m not making excuses—these are just the facts.
Q: How long have you openly acknowledged you're a gambling addict?
A: It’s been about 15 years since I spiraled, but I’ve only recently begun fully admitting it publicly and seeking understanding for what it is.
If you need gambling therapy or assistance, check out these three sources to take steps toward recovery:
- National Problem Gambling Helpline (USA)
Free 24/7 support via phone (1-800-GAMBLER), text, or chat. Connects users to local treatment and resources.
Website: ncpgambling.org - Gambling Therapy (Global)
Offers multilingual live chat, forums, and self-help tools for anyone worldwide affected by problem gambling.
Website: gamblingtherapy.org - GambleAware (UK)
Provides free, confidential advice, a national helpline (0808 8020 133), self-help tools, and live chat for UK users.
Website: gambleaware.org
